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Wish me luck” he said as he snuggled his glasses into her soft hands. She obliged with a whisper – “luck” and he could almost hear his juvenile heart bounce around to the beats of Air Supply. He was near the penalty box, when a corner kick generated some irate dribbling and before he knew it, the ball was rolling coyly towards him. He leaned to his right and with a quick sweep of the left knee gifted the momentum to the white net. GOOOOAAALLLL !! 

His joy was boundless, as he waved through the dust, at what looked like her silhouette.”Few more minutes, and this trophy is ours “ – he thought. This was the first time he had scored a goal !! Actually,this was the first time, he had been picked to play at any match (that mattered). Thanks to the guy, who was carried out in the second half, due to an injury that had involved a shoe, the football and his groin. Pain !!

The match resumed, amidst cheers and boo’s.Usually, he never tried to use his head (no pun here) to direct the ball (again no pun). You see, it is not easy to do that and keep the glasses on your nose at the same time. But this was a different day.Sans glasses, this  could well have been a first time. Except for the small slip in coordination. His head found someone’s chin, a player from the other team. The referee was furious, used a lot of Kerala accented English and flashed a red card. Exit !!

As he pseudo shamefully  left the ground, he kept thinking – “how does this really affect my football career? I am banished from the next 2 matches …which I would not be picked to play anyways ? And ….no classes since technically. I am still part of the team. Also less time on the ground = Less sweat = Better impression (if you know what I mean). Totally awesome ! !” 

Minutes later. we had won the match and the tournament. I was a school hero. My life changed !! That goal scored me, what I would define as : irresponsibly flirtatious glances from many whose names I do not remember now… (or do I …wink wink). It also earned me pats of disbelief, from the Physical Education teacher, who on other days spent most of his time, coaxing me to walk from the classroom to the outdoors. Right on !!

Once, every so many days, (once every four years to be precise), I close my eyes and replay what transpired on that dusty afternoon. It is not every day that a non athletic nobody like me, gets to make room for a trophy in the principal’s offce. It re-fills my heart with teenage pride. That right there was my “golden boot” moment !! Literally !!  

Enough said  …..let’s “kick off” the celebrations already….. !!

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Thanks to the densely retarded media world – Tiger Woods’ press conference about his alleged affairs with 25,781,230,732.00 girls got a lot of publicity !! Apparently there were reporters from as far east (matter of perspective) as Japan, to cover this “very important” news event, though if you were not as half drunk as I am, you would think, that they would cover the Winter Games or the aftermath of Haiti relief efforts instead. Now how about that ? Do you think Mr.Baby Face can touch celebrity excellence ? Would the world stop salivating and try to remember that every celebrity’s private life is his/her own business ? Would Tiger come out of the Woods again?

You guessed it right !! I was up all night yesterday. Making corrections to the speech that the Tiger had to deliver this morning in Florida. He did not get time to thank me personally !! He was busy doing Betty  pretty important stuff himself. I must warn you ….what follows is a glimmer of im mature  insanity and if you are wearing pace maker(s) or suffer deep rashes on your skin from rat poison …….you should probably consider revisiting this blog at a later time ….. !! If you still want to face it …. do not complain ……I did warn you …!!

beginning of transcript………

Good morning, and thank you for joining me so early after a wild night..Many of you in this room are my girl friends. Many of you in this room know me intimately. Many of you have cheered topless for me or you’ve worked with me or you’ve supported me through my infidelity.

Now every one of you has good reason to demand some cash reward to be critical of me and my body odor . I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, Screw You !! I am not in the least deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish self pleasure behavior I engaged in with all of you hot babes.

I know people want to find out where the sex tapes are how I could be so selfish and so foolish not to sell them on Ebay. People want to know how was it to party with porn stars  I could have done these things to my wife, forget her name Elin, and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private strip dancer person, there are some parties things I want to  dance with Paris Hilton and her muah muah say.

Elin and I have started the process of discussing about getting a new maid and the damage caused by the golf clubs my behavior. As Elin pointed out to me we already have “18 ” ass holes, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words but a diamond bracelet and onion rings; it will come from my reality show Cheating in the Bunker behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss about pre extramarital affair agreements; however, what we say to each other will be available for sale during Christmas on Amazon  remain between the two of us.

I am also aware of the pain in the privates my tiger “balms” behavior has caused to all the honey bunch Cheerios those of you I have “played with” in this room. I have let you use my iPad down, and I have let down my pants fans. For many of you, especially my hooker friends, my performance behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who have been paid out work for me, what the f@#$ are you still doing here?? I have let you down personally and professionally. My bad breath behavior has caused considerable worry to my mistresses business partners…………..

much blah blah ensued ……and then finally …….

That also means cheating some more relying on others for help with fake excuses. I’ve learned to seek athletic support from my underwear company peers in therapy, and I hope this evening someday to return to the club scene that support to others who are seeking for some quick bogies help. I do plan to return home in the morning to golf one day, I just don’t know through which window when that day will be.

I don’t rule out getting high on weed that it will be this year. When I do start drinking and gambling return, I need some extra cash to make it to Hooters my behavior more respectful of the game. In recent weeks, I have received many thousands of free condoms in the mail e-mails, letters and phone calls from the Mothers Against Drunk Pregnancy people expressing their deepest desires good wishes. To everyone who slept with me has reached out to me and my family, let’s do it again and again and again thank you. Your fetishes encouragement means that now I can have my own naughty movie the world to Elin and me.

I want to thank The Hilton, Marriott, Red Roof Inn, Motel 6, Sulabh Complex PGA Tour, Commissioner Finchem and the belly dancers players for their patience and understanding while I keep scratching work on my private parts life. I look forward to seeing you all in Room 420 my fellow players on the course.

Finally, there are many people in this room who I have not yet slept with, and there are many people at home who believed they would sleep with me in me. Today, I want to ask for your phone numbers, emails and Facebook ids  help. I ask you to find a nice hotel with a spa room in your heart to one day believe in UFOs me again.

Damn, I need to work on my strokes!! Thank you.

 end of transcript…….

As you must have guessed by now, the man is really ashamed of his actions !! I would say he is bleeding and wants to make an reentry. Wait ….that came out all wrong !! What I am really trying to say is …. let us pretend (for a second or so)  that we believe in every word he said or thought he said !! That does not make sense either. …..what the putt !!

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As a kid I used to look forward to falling sick. Why? Simple. It would mean, I could stay at home (not go to school is a derivative…you see) and mis-utilize (read:parent’s definition) the day by reading books outside of the syllabus. The mood usually did not go sour ….unless it was a case of acute Joi Bangla (colloquial term for conjunctivitis in Bengali)…because then the command would be ….”Chok bandho kore ghumiye thako” (shut your eyes and sleep) ….like there really is another way to sleep than not shutting them. ……And then…. I got hit by the chicken pox…I was like ….Aa Gale Lag Jaa !! …..my heart leapt into the air (metaphorically ….. a real leap would not sit well) of the green (painted…no connection with the environment) walls of the doctor’s clinic ….I told myself …..”Phaata Phaati” (This is pretty awesome…..would vaguely relay the ecstasy that I experienced on the finding).

This provoked some radical changes …..relocation (zero privacy section of the house),new work center (portable aluminium frame bed from Army store), designated dress code (all cotton comfort clothing), cubicle (four walls of the blue mosquito net), nutrition control (monitored diet of “get well soon” broth) …….you get the picture. The biggest attraction to this three week imprisonment, that I was looking forward to was….. my “one on one” adventure rides with the works of Ms.Blyton. !!

I was ten years old……(life was simple….no pressure)!!

She is 19. With the warmest smile and rock solid confidence, …..she is commitment personified !! Results matter to her …..(not the publicity) ….and she is going to tempt her health into a fight of will power. If you make it ….despite the darned boils …. we will play the “dhol” for you … if you do not … there is always a next time. No matter what …..Saina Nehwal…..you make us proud !!

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Saturday morning saw me driving towards my weekend chores and listening to this extremely calm and composed individual on NPR. I was a little amazed that the public radio actually was speaking to him a few hours before a fight which is probably one of the most talked about fights in recent boxing history.And I told myself … “so this really is a big deal!”. The funny part is how I fit into all this.Blame it on HBO. Most nights during the week when I finally call it quits and crash on the hotel bed, it is them who have had this reality show following two boxers as they come closer to the duel on May 2nd in Las Vegas. I had never heard of him before I had started watching this show.But once I started, it was on my mind like clock work every night. I was fighting the complete exhaustion of the project to wait and see how the two trainers would react to the camera and the questions on that day. The whole process was too engaging.

And what made it so addictive was the contrast in their temperament. Both extremely disciplined and yet different in so many ways. While Freddie Roach had a calm demeanor about him, Floyd Mayweather was aggressive and very vocal.If Roach was the calm before the storm, Floyd was the eye. They did not hide their passionate hatred towards each other nor did they under play their confidence in their trainee, one of whom would make boxing history in a few weeks.My association with following this sport has been close to nothing except for the fact that I was actually part of the live television audience which witnessed the famous “ear biting” drama.But in this case I was drawn into the whole build up process.

One of the perks of not being a regular subscriber to any cable television network is that I depend on the web for my updates.The fight was a Pay Per View program and though I was curious,it did not ruin my sleep.His face was all over the sports channels at every store that I stopped at and I was curious and probably hoping that he wins. Why ?? It is his mother!! And I will explain how.

This was her first time in the States and she had flown from the Philippines a week before her son was going to be in a fight which is probably one of the priciest prize money events. When I saw her in the episode where she is so excited, not because she has stepped into the “supposed land of opportunity” but because she was the mother of the child who was followed by thousands of fans and was a favorite to win the title , I felt a warmth. And I told to myself – let him win.Call me the emotional hopeless. Here is a son who is glad that another made his mom proud.No one in this world would feel the pain she would,if he went down.I know I almost make it sound like destiny.He worked really hard and he earned it. Good job Manny Pacquiao and many congratulations !!


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