proven guilty …… 41 counts of stupidity …. !!

CoffeeBeanMusings is an extremely talented blogger, who for some reason found in her, enough reason to award me with The Versatile Blogger Award !! Thanks much for this award !! Now. the award has a legal binding. There is a formal hearing !!  And I have been proven guilty …… 41 counts of stupidity.

What follows is the original transcript of the deposition …. !!  

1. asked someone to marry you? guilty. …yep and she is living happily ever after…. with some smart a$$ from Geek University!!
2. ever kissed someone of the same sex? guilty….do it all the time….wait ….same what?
3. danced on a table in a bar? guilty….circa 2002…@ Z’s …and followed it up with a slurred version of Light my Fire on karaoke
4. ever told a lie? guilty…..neva’ eva’ …and that is nothing but the hole truth!!
5. kissed a picture? guilty…… and then washed the turpentine  off my lips…not pleasant !!
6. slept in until 5 PM? guilty…….woke up exactly at 17:00 hours…to slam the alarm clock to death !!!
7. fallen asleep at work/school? guilty….actually SOL (snored out loud) !!
8. held a snake? guilty….and then made it sing Boom Boom Pow …backwards !!
9. been suspended from school? guilty…..there were hooks and a crane involved …we were testing how gravity works …!!
10. worked at a fast food restaurant? guilty…..worked on the fries at the speed of obesity !!
11. stolen from a store? guilty ….balls…Rs1.25/- each …buy three and steal one for free !!
12. been fired from a job? guilty ….from the job of changing diapers … for good !!
13. done something you regret? guilty….wasting~ 120 minutes of my life – Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi ….(yuck) !!
14. laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? guilty ….yep, it was sweet corn soup and then we were confused …. and so we wiped the … !!
15. caught a snowflake on your tongue? guilty….and then melted it to pour it on to a turbine ..and the lights turned on .. !!
16. kissed in the rain? guilty…then it started  raining men… after which …not so much !!
17. sat on a roof top? guilty…and then had to fix the dent…. the size of my butt !!
18. kissed someone you shouldn’t? guilty ….with ramifications –  Size 6 !!
19. sang in the shower? guilty …and then they turned off the water for the whole building !!
20. been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? guilty…..only it was an open drain and my wandering eyes pushed me.. !!
21. shaved your head? guilty ….yep and caught a huge chunk of gray matter in the process …!!
22. had a boxing membership? guilty….small boxes, medium boxes, large boxes…etc !!
23. made a girlfriend cry? guilty…..tears of joy ..when we broke up .. !!
24. been in a band? guilty….rubber band….technically my wrist was in it ..(ouch) !!
25. shot a gun? guilty….watch me in action …. Dead Gun Walking !!
26. donated blood? guilty …sold it for a glass of milk …and Parle G !!
27. eaten alligator meat? guilty…..in a few hours …..Father’s Day Menu ….Alligator Biriyani !!
28. eaten cheesecake? guilty….and then broke the weighing scales !!
29. still love someone you shouldn’t? guilty…..my son !!
30. liked someone, but will never tell who? guilty…..Miss Jalebi  who is now Mrs. Blood Sugar !!  
31. have/had a tattoo? guilty…thrice  and counting …..yaaa yaa yaaa !!
32. been too honest? guilty…always… since I was a child…am not too proud about it though !!
33. ruined a surprise? guilty …. walked out with an umbrella….the thunderstorms hated it !!
34. ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you couldn’t walk afterward?  guilty ….so they let me stay and clean the dishes !!
35. erased someone in your friends list? guilty….CTRL X’ed them out ….never CTRL V’ed them….. suckers !!
36. dressed in a woman’s clothes (if you’re a guy) or man’s clothes (if you’re a girl)? guilty…all the time …. matter of fact… am wearing my Paraag Sari for Father’s Day.
37. joined a pageant? guilty ….”Fathers Who Like to Change Channels While Trying to Change Diapers” …. whew !!
38. been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said? guilty….and then she lived happily ever after …. with … !!
39. had communication with your ex? guilty ….. an ” I ” for an ” I “… with the ” X ” !!
40. got totally drunk on the night before exam? guilty…..what exammmmmmmmm mamu !!
41. got totally angry that you cried so hard? guilty …. after I finished watching Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi !!

Your Honor, I would now like to award the following bloggers who have caused chaos with their brilliance…not in any specific order of preference !!

1. Purba
2. CoffeeBeanMusings
3. Shivani
4. GyanBan
5. UdtaHaathi
6. Chotu’s World
7. Dr.ROFL
8. ZB
9. Anirban
10. Ramesh
11.  Nish
12. Raja
13. Vinita
14. Shilpa
15. Judy

Congratulations !! You are now responsible for copying the image and using up all your free time to answer the 41 questions !!

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let’s “kick off” the celebrations already …. !!!

“Wish me luck” he said as he snuggled his glasses into her soft hands. She obliged with a whisper – “luck” and he could almost hear his juvenile heart bounce around to the beats of Air Supply. He was near the penalty box, when a corner kick generated some irate dribbling and before he knew it, the ball was rolling coyly towards him. He leaned to his right and with a quick sweep of the left knee gifted the momentum to the white net. GOOOOAAALLLL !! 

His joy was boundless, as he waved through the dust, at what looked like her silhouette.”Few more minutes, and this trophy is ours “ – he thought. This was the first time he had scored a goal !! Actually,this was the first time, he had been picked to play at any match (that mattered). Thanks to the guy, who was carried out in the second half, due to an injury that had involved a shoe, the football and his groin. Pain !!

The match resumed, amidst cheers and boo’s.Usually, he never tried to use his head (no pun here) to direct the ball (again no pun). You see, it is not easy to do that and keep the glasses on your nose at the same time. But this was a different day.Sans glasses, this  could well have been a first time. Except for the small slip in coordination. His head found someone’s chin, a player from the other team. The referee was furious, used a lot of Kerala accented English and flashed a red card. Exit !!

As he pseudo shamefully  left the ground, he kept thinking – “how does this really affect my football career? I am banished from the next 2 matches …which I would not be picked to play anyways ? And ….no classes since technically. I am still part of the team. Also less time on the ground = Less sweat = Better impression (if you know what I mean). Totally awesome ! !” 

Minutes later. we had won the match and the tournament. I was a school hero. My life changed !! That goal scored me, what I would define as : irresponsibly flirtatious glances from many whose names I do not remember now… (or do I …wink wink). It also earned me pats of disbelief, from the Physical Education teacher, who on other days spent most of his time, coaxing me to walk from the classroom to the outdoors. Right on !!

Once, every so many days, (once every four years to be precise), I close my eyes and replay what transpired on that dusty afternoon. It is not every day that a non athletic nobody like me, gets to make room for a trophy in the principal’s offce. It re-fills my heart with teenage pride. That right there was my “golden boot” moment !! Literally !!  

Enough said  …..let’s “kick off” the celebrations already….. !!

if you liked this post ….please 

Image Courtesy : here

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and the award goes to ……

When the Academy was not willing (yet) to credit me with the most deserving Lifetime Achievement Award, I had to resort to some extreme melodrama. I did what any accomplished artist in my place would do…..

I waited ……till the end of the ceremony ……and then fell asleep on the couch…..with my beer in my hand ……and my mouth wide open……sans the curious house fly!!

And then Anirban did some analysis.He cooked up some “miracles with milk” and sent me ……..my own AWARD !!! Thank you my friend …indeed.

But conditions apply……

Before I go into the details, ……..let me attempt to be kind (unusual change in behavioural pattern) and share this …. with seven (or more) bloggers who I consider are among the best of the best…..

Here are my winners of  Beautiful Blogger Award :

1. ramesh: business blogger and awesome friend with all round talent that cannot be put in words…but dont say I did not  try ….
2. ajcl: mommy blogger, great inspiration with superb control on the written (typed) words…..
3. adesh: the man, the marathon and the attention to customer needs ….enough said ..maybe not ….
4. rofl: dr.saab who can tickle you with his words till you are breathless …..
5. ashwini: she is thoughtful, she is funny and she brings all of that…… in a train of words …..well spaced…
6. theishu: you cannot but wonder …”and then” …..what happened next …
7. the-nri: rich (with words) blogger from a land which needs an adjective before its name…..
8. ZB: raw, uncut and always fresh …..
9. uh: the evil bong….da kaddu jokes …. the movie reviews … the complete ……fully loaded blog ….
10. rads and savitha : you both seem to have disappeared from the blogging scene. …..would love to see you back in action….!!

There are so many others I would like to send out this award to. …..but then I am trying to do this while staying awake in a very long meeting ….. in a very warm conference room … stuck in a very painful chair …. so apologies to all those who know you deserve this award and I missed to mention you …..

finally …the conditions……

1) Thank the person who gave you the award
2) Paste the award on your blog
3) Link the person who nominated you for the award
4) Share 7 things you find to be beautiful around you
5) Nominate 7 bloggers or more

Clearly I have not followed the rules in the sequence that it called for. So what….. ??

Here are 7 things which I find beautiful around me ….without spending not more than 5 seconds to thing about each …. and not in any particular order ….

1. our fingers pointing at the electric post moon as part of the wedding ritual…..
2. when Onga says ..”kaytch” (catch) and kicks the “bowl“(ball) at me moments after I return from prison….
3. nov 2003 – when I held up the lighter….. from third row seats while  The Eagles recreated magic …..
4. sanson ki mala ….by the late ustad …..
5. haywards 5000 over hariyali kabob and any song from Ijaazat…..(sigh)
6. phone calls to D which mean a world to me ….
7. Kolkata during Durga Puja … everything about it ….

Thanks to Anirban, this award ceremony is now complete !! Let me try and focus on the meeting now ….. !!

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what the putt ……..!!

Thanks to the densely retarded media world – Tiger Woods’ press conference about his alleged affairs with 25,781,230,732.00 girls got a lot of publicity !! Apparently there were reporters from as far east (matter of perspective) as Japan, to cover this “very important” news event, though if you were not as half drunk as I am, you would think, that they would cover the Winter Games or the aftermath of Haiti relief efforts instead. Now how about that ? Do you think Mr.Baby Face can touch celebrity excellence ? Would the world stop salivating and try to remember that every celebrity’s private life is his/her own business ? Would Tiger come out of the Woods again?

You guessed it right !! I was up all night yesterday. Making corrections to the speech that the Tiger had to deliver this morning in Florida. He did not get time to thank me personally !! He was busy doing Betty  pretty important stuff himself. I must warn you ….what follows is a glimmer of im mature  insanity and if you are wearing pace maker(s) or suffer deep rashes on your skin from rat poison …….you should probably consider revisiting this blog at a later time ….. !! If you still want to face it …. do not complain ……I did warn you …!!

beginning of transcript………

Good morning, and thank you for joining me so early after a wild night..Many of you in this room are my girl friends. Many of you in this room know me intimately. Many of you have cheered topless for me or you’ve worked with me or you’ve supported me through my infidelity.

Now every one of you has good reason to demand some cash reward to be critical of me and my body odor . I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, Screw You !! I am not in the least deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish self pleasure behavior I engaged in with all of you hot babes.

I know people want to find out where the sex tapes are how I could be so selfish and so foolish not to sell them on Ebay. People want to know how was it to party with porn stars  I could have done these things to my wife, forget her name Elin, and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private strip dancer person, there are some parties things I want to  dance with Paris Hilton and her muah muah say.

Elin and I have started the process of discussing about getting a new maid and the damage caused by the golf clubs my behavior. As Elin pointed out to me we already have “18 ” ass holes, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words but a diamond bracelet and onion rings; it will come from my reality show Cheating in the Bunker behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss about pre extramarital affair agreements; however, what we say to each other will be available for sale during Christmas on Amazon  remain between the two of us.

I am also aware of the pain in the privates my tiger “balms” behavior has caused to all the honey bunch Cheerios those of you I have “played with” in this room. I have let you use my iPad down, and I have let down my pants fans. For many of you, especially my hooker friends, my performance behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who have been paid out work for me, what the f@#$ are you still doing here?? I have let you down personally and professionally. My bad breath behavior has caused considerable worry to my mistresses business partners…………..

much blah blah ensued ……and then finally …….

That also means cheating some more relying on others for help with fake excuses. I’ve learned to seek athletic support from my underwear company peers in therapy, and I hope this evening someday to return to the club scene that support to others who are seeking for some quick bogies help. I do plan to return home in the morning to golf one day, I just don’t know through which window when that day will be.

I don’t rule out getting high on weed that it will be this year. When I do start drinking and gambling return, I need some extra cash to make it to Hooters my behavior more respectful of the game. In recent weeks, I have received many thousands of free condoms in the mail e-mails, letters and phone calls from the Mothers Against Drunk Pregnancy people expressing their deepest desires good wishes. To everyone who slept with me has reached out to me and my family, let’s do it again and again and again thank you. Your fetishes encouragement means that now I can have my own naughty movie the world to Elin and me.

I want to thank The Hilton, Marriott, Red Roof Inn, Motel 6, Sulabh Complex PGA Tour, Commissioner Finchem and the belly dancers players for their patience and understanding while I keep scratching work on my private parts life. I look forward to seeing you all in Room 420 my fellow players on the course.

Finally, there are many people in this room who I have not yet slept with, and there are many people at home who believed they would sleep with me in me. Today, I want to ask for your phone numbers, emails and Facebook ids  help. I ask you to find a nice hotel with a spa room in your heart to one day believe in UFOs me again.

Damn, I need to work on my strokes!! Thank you.

 end of transcript…….

As you must have guessed by now, the man is really ashamed of his actions !! I would say he is bleeding and wants to make an reentry. Wait ….that came out all wrong !! What I am really trying to say is …. let us pretend (for a second or so)  that we believe in every word he said or thought he said !! That does not make sense either. …..what the putt !!

Source Material and Photo Courtesy : here

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