Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Note : This narrative is inspired by real life incident(s). All characters appearing in this work are real. Any resemblance to real person(s), living or dead is purely intentional. The author takes full responsibility for consequences (if any).

~ x ~

He turned around and hit her one more time. This time with more force. Right across her belly.You could see where, because it left a mark. Almost like a scratch. She looked down at the red splotch on the vinyl of the kitchen floor and wondered if it was her’s or from the empty ketchup jar that she had been holding. This was not the first time. It was almost two years now !! And somewhere within all this time, the every day blows and kicks did not seem to hurt anymore.She had made peace with herself. She thought about her life and related to that of Chand’s. Their lives were so alike and yet so different, in a humane sort of way. They were both in Videsh (foreign land) and yet Chand’s was a performed tale while her’s was playing out, right in front of her own eyes. Every day !!

There was no love !! And, not one moment of rest. From the day they had brought her home, she had been put to work, right away. No one  had spoken to her or asked her how she felt. She had taught herself how to blend in, to a corner of the kitchen. No one seemed to care, which corner it was, so long as she was not in their way. It was winter, almost a year ago,when they moved to the new place. She liked it here. She liked how the kitchen was bigger and people were not bumping into her. And, she wished that some day they would treat her like a real person. Like one of their own. And she would no longer have to spend her nights alone !!

She was never allowed to be alone with him. The family was always there. Some days when he was in a lighter mood, he would rush into the kitchen. Almost like he was getting ready to say something. Maybe, to touch her. She looked forward to those moments, when he would be standing next to her.She liked how the little drops of sweat built up on his nose. He smelled good, almost all the time. And then like his shadow, the mother would be there, behind him. And he would quietly walk away.With a childlike smirk across his face !!

And like today, there were days, when he just lashed out at her.Without any mercy. Like he just did not care or know better. These were the days, when she yearned to cry out to the mother. Hoping she would pull him away. Some days she did. But it was always a few minutes too late. By then, he would have hit her, hard enough to make her puke out the little leftovers that get thrown at her, after every meal. As she lay there on the kitchen floor, the little bugs would feast on the sourness of her mouth.

And today, just like any other day, her aching reverie was sliced by the shrill warning –  “Pattu, kuppaithotiyi thodathey !! ”  (“Darling, stop playing with the trash can”) !! She looked up to see the mother kiss and carry him (the two year old) away from the kitchen. Her eyes found the father, copiously typing away on his computer. And she told herself – “I, refuse to be treated like trash !!”.

~ x ~

Foot note : This post is a mere attempt at humor and does not in any way condone the distress of domestic violence. My apologies, if as a reader, your sentiments have been hurt in any way.

This post is an entry to the “Emotional Atyachaar” contest hosted by IndiBlogger. If you know any one of the judges, 😉 please click here to vote…..for me !!

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Dear Sir Naipaul

You probably do not remember me. Correction. You definitely do not remember me. Unless I am mistaken, it would be truthful to say – you do not know me. Not in the least. But like so many readers of your literary genius, I am a huge fan. Which brings me to believe that I know you. I remember the very first time that I saw you. You were in a tweed jacket, strewn across the center page of Sunday(India), holding a glass of wine. Correction. It was not you, but your photograph in the stead. And clinging around it, was your interview. One which I cannot remember much about, except that it was not well received by the aam juntaa (the common man). As you will notice, being an aspiring writer myself, I have (rather discreetly if I may add) begun the use of colloquial words in otherwise routine sentences with no specific direction. And I digress !!

The reason I am sending you this note,  which really is a letter of apology is because of a collective feeling of guilt, emptiness and delight that I have experienced in the last few weeks. These emotions were dispersed over several sporadic instances. While some of these outbursts were set off  by a complete lack of control on my part, others were in fact well anticipated. As I write to you, I feel within myself an urge to bring out what has been inside, for days. I am ashamed for what I have pampered myself with and this is my confession !!

Forgive me, Sir Vidiadhar  for I have sinned ! I have spent several hours reading your books. One after the other. Most of them notable affiliates of your non-fiction empire. And during this time, (that is when I was soaking your words in), I was most comfortably situated in one corner of my humble abode. The corner that houses a white commode. Every day (and sometimes every night), as I commenced with the business of natural evolution, my eyes have devoured your writings with the speed of a high power evacuator. There was no stopping me, if you know what I mean !!

I know, that most your books have found their place in numerous academic syllabi. They have been provided with the highest form of ambience. And I wish to assure you, that it has been no different with this wonderful piece of masonry. The respect for your work is firm. For whatever it is worth, I do have an explanation. You see privacy has been a rarity since I immersed myself in matrimonial bliss and natural parenthood. Till the day, when I devised a way to transform my stay in the lavatory to what I like to call mini-vacation. True, it did induce some curiosity and a lot more concern from my spouse, who was used to my lightning speed visits for purposes of (for lack of better word) – Number 2. And for this I apologize !!

All fed said and done, I do wish to conclude this rather boorish correspondence. As far as my reading habits are concerned, I know it is not the best of the times. But believe me when I say, it is not also the worst of the times. Specially after a heavy dinner. I do believe that somewhere you will find in yourself the heart (and maybe the stomach) to forgive me. I would be relieved to know that you value my desire to experience gastronomical and intellectual ecstasy with equal density and spontaneity !!

Warm regards

Your ardent follower – (from the times when M.J.Akbar  changed the face of newspaper journalism)

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Almost every year, on a certain day, I have to put up an act. And, just like is expected of any actor, with practice – my pretence has improved in quality. My voice modulations are very controlled and my comic timing is perfect!!  And I have managed to keep my audience ignorant about my lack of subject matter expertise. That day, is the day of Super Bowl – the biggest day of football as they know it in America!!

I show up at someone’s place to watch the game, and it is really the food and the alcohol that my eyes are absorbed with – from entry till exit. And yet, yours truly does not forget to play his role – with kaizen. Once every few minutes, I erupt into a frenzy of “high fives” with my greasy hands (here is a tutorial for those interested). Some years, I am so involved that I shake hands during the half time show. Like that one year with Janet…totally “out of place”!!

And that is how, an evening of brilliant performance seals my invitation to next year’s party. Of course, it is nobody’s business that the next morning, I have to check the local news before I show up at work. (so who won again ?) And I apologize for that!! I should really try to remember things better.

But this post is not at all about that. It is about the game, I grew up knowing as football. And tomorrow is the end to a different kind of lying. I do not have to schedule fake conference calls anymore from 6:30 in the morning or attend meetings with really no one but the cafeteria television from 1:30 in the afternoons. My eyes shall not seek for sleep and I shall stop predicting incorrectly on Raja’s blog. There is one more match, one that will put my conscience to rest for the next four years. And for that I had to do something special. I called for a “team meeting” !!

I call it the “FINAL” Dip  – a team meeting of boiled edamame, red onions, jalapeno peppers, peppers in all kinds of colors, cutting board, really sharp knife, paper towel, sea salt, not so virgin olive oil, roasted garlic and a green bowl !! I know the picture is not super appealing, but then it is not like you are going to actually get to dig into it. So go ahead and start the ooh’s and aah’s  – as I get ready to watch a football match which I actually understand !! Till next time … Waka Waka !!

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Amrita and Raja sent me a tag….of sins !!

Here is the top ten list of – “My Sins Against Gender Stereotypes” … !!

  1. I actually enjoyed watching ….Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, … 27 Dresses and one episode of Gray’s Anatomy …. !!
  2. I like Starbursts ….a lot … !!
  3. It is possible that I spend just a little more (than needed) time in the kitchen, planning for tonight’s dinner, tomorrow’s breakfast, afternoon lunch, evening “chai wai”….!!
  4. Sananda is a pretty awesome read !!
  5. I could spend hours at Gariahat Market window shopping …during Durga Puja !! 
  6. I wash my feet every time I come home …even in the middle of snowy winter !!
  7. I can fold and/or press a sari perfectly…and very quick !! 
  8. Even to this day, Ma buys bright colors (like blood orange) for me, because she thinks I am pharsa (pale skinned) !! And I believe her and wear them !!
  9. Ocassionally I will crack an egg to condition my hair … !!
  10. Each time someone troubles me at work … I sing ..in my head…..”inhi logon ne, le liya dupatta mera” .. !!

If you have made it this far in the post …. and would like to take up this tag, go right on !! I wish you get as much migraine fun out of it as I did not !!

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Today is a very important day !!  The man who is paying for the services of consultants like me, is back from his vacation. Now, when I say he is paying for our services, what I really mean is he is the Global Director, Project Sponsor ….Executive Board et al. He is the client !!

The timing of his “time off” could not have been better. We were in a critical phase as far as the project deliverables and decisions were concerned. Sort of along the same lines of when Arjun and Krishna were tweeting on Koffee with Kauravas. Now imagine, just before Krishna begins, Arjun decides to take a month-long vacation. You know to explore the hills of Gangtok I am sure that would sit really well in the Pandava camp – “dude just go….. have fun !! ….and bring us back some yak milk cheese.”.

History repeats itself is proof, when our Local Arjun brought back some candies from Zurich. Based on inputs from my intra office contacts I have established, that these are the ones which are always on sale in the Duty Free stores. And I digress. At this point, it would be rather insignificant for the reader to note that our Local Arjun is of Bengali descent. It would also be negligent of me, if I forgot to mention that Local Arjun believes – being a fellow Bengali, it is my moral duty to kiss his Bengali paachha (buttocks)…. especially since it has client written all over it !!

Now that is where things get a little hairy. Let me explain briefly with an example!!

So, Local Arjun cruised in this morning, sporting his Sree Leathers shoes and wearing his cheap cologneof the 80’s man who badly needs a wardrobe makeover”. And then he embarked on his Vijay Yatra (raucous walk through the cubicles). As the decibel on the periodic  “haoo are yoooo”’ s amplified –  I knew it was just a matter of time, before I would have to strike a subordinated posture and enquire  – “Boss kemon ghurlen?” (how was your trip, Boss ?).  

I have to admit, this was not the best question !! Local Arjun took the cue and promptly filled up the air with details on how “vaery beeootifull Vaeneece (Venice) was !!  He slurped on the memories of a “deeleeshush” duck in Paris. And almost mourned the loss of his lugg – age (including his wife) at the Munich airport. Four weeks of relaxations has its effects, and at that point he just wanted to get back home to some dal bhaat (lentil and rice). The “vaery” vocal travelogue continued,without any consideration for those that were on conference calls or any other business related activities.

As everywhere, there were some dedicated schmoozers who posed some challenging questions – “ how were the hotels ? “. Local Arjun believes in – always explain briefly with examples. (now you know why I am how I am). He did not disappoint the listener. “ Oh they were so vaery costtlee”  he said and concluded the ten minute monologue with – “I had to spend $40,000 just on hotels itself !! It was horr-aybell, you know !!

Like so many others, this is another bone dry IT project. One which is supported by a group of under paid technocrats. Those who have had a really rough June. The client sliced and diced us with inane accusations and rolled off some key resources without any specific reason (read : because someone needed to be blamed). One of the guys lost his father before he could reach India. He was not allowed to leave sooner. And yet our Local Arjun finds in himself the “right” to flaunt bleat about his pleasures pains to those that held fort during his totally deserving holiday.    

It is likely that working “14 hour” days has pushed my head, so far up my behind, that my thinking has got all muddy. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the part where I question the Gurus of the Service Industry. When they say “the client is always right !!”  how “always” is that ? ?

While you reflect on that, I shall now get back to comforting him with my sincere concerns – “You look tired Boss. I think you should take it easy for a couple of days !”.

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Ricky Gervais’s .gif courtesy: google images

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CoffeeBeanMusings is an extremely talented blogger, who for some reason found in her, enough reason to award me with The Versatile Blogger Award !! Thanks much for this award !! Now. the award has a legal binding. There is a formal hearing !!  And I have been proven guilty …… 41 counts of stupidity.

What follows is the original transcript of the deposition …. !!  

  1. asked someone to marry you? guilty. …yep and she is living happily ever after…. with some smart a$$ from Geek University!!
  2. ever kissed someone of the same sex? guilty….do it all the time….wait ….same what?
  3. danced on a table in a bar? guilty….circa 2002…@ Z’s …and followed it up with a slurred version of Light my Fire on karaoke
  4. ever told a lie? guilty…..neva’ eva’ …and that is nothing but the hole truth!!
  5. kissed a picture? guilty…… and then washed the turpentine  off my lips…not pleasant !!
  6. slept in until 5 PM? guilty…….woke up exactly at 17:00 hours…to slam the alarm clock to death !!!
  7. fallen asleep at work/school? guilty….actually SOL (snored out loud) !!
  8. held a snake? guilty….and then made it sing Boom Boom Pow …backwards !!
  9. been suspended from school? guilty…..there were hooks and a crane involved …we were testing how gravity works …!!
  10. worked at a fast food restaurant? guilty…..worked on the fries at the speed of obesity !!
  11. stolen from a store? guilty ….balls…Rs1.25/- each …buy three and steal one for free !!
  12. been fired from a job? guilty ….from the job of changing diapers … for good !!
  13. done something you regret? guilty….wasting~ 120 minutes of my life – Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi ….(yuck) !!
  14. laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? guilty ….yep, it was sweet corn soup and then we were confused …. and so we wiped the … !!
  15. caught a snowflake on your tongue? guilty….and then melted it to pour it on to a turbine ..and the lights turned on .. !!
  16. kissed in the rain? guilty…then it started  raining men… after which …not so much !!
  17. sat on a roof top? guilty…and then had to fix the dent…. the size of my butt !!
  18. kissed someone you shouldn’t? guilty ….with ramifications –  Size 6 !!
  19. sang in the shower? guilty …and then they turned off the water for the whole building !!
  20. been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? guilty…..only it was an open drain and my wandering eyes pushed me.. !!
  21. shaved your head? guilty ….yep and caught a huge chunk of gray matter in the process …!!
  22. had a boxing membership? guilty….small boxes, medium boxes, large boxes…etc !!
  23. made a girlfriend cry? guilty…..tears of joy ..when we broke up .. !!
  24. been in a band? guilty….rubber band….technically my wrist was in it ..(ouch) !!
  25. shot a gun? guilty….watch me in action …. Dead Gun Walking !!
  26. donated blood? guilty …sold it for a glass of milk …and Parle G !!
  27. eaten alligator meat? guilty…..in a few hours …..Father’s Day Menu ….Alligator Biriyani !!
  28. eaten cheesecake? guilty….and then broke the weighing scales !!
  29. still love someone you shouldn’t? guilty…..my son !!
  30. liked someone, but will never tell who? guilty…..Miss Jalebi  who is now Mrs. Blood Sugar !!  
  31. have/had a tattoo? guilty…thrice  and counting …..yaaa yaa yaaa !!
  32. been too honest? guilty…always… since I was a child…am not too proud about it though !!
  33. ruined a surprise? guilty …. walked out with an umbrella….the thunderstorms hated it !!
  34. ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you couldn’t walk afterward?  guilty ….so they let me stay and clean the dishes !!
  35. erased someone in your friends list? guilty….CTRL X’ed them out ….never CTRL V’ed them….. suckers !!
  36. dressed in a woman’s clothes (if you’re a guy) or man’s clothes (if you’re a girl)? guilty…all the time …. matter of fact… am wearing my Paraag Sari for Father’s Day.
  37. joined a pageant? guilty ….”Fathers Who Like to Change Channels While Trying to Change Diapers” …. whew !!
  38. been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said? guilty….and then she lived happily ever after …. with … !!
  39. had communication with your ex? guilty ….. an ” I ” for an ” I “… with the ” X ” !!
  40. got totally drunk on the night before exam? guilty…..what exammmmmmmmm mamu !!
  41. got totally angry that you cried so hard? guilty …. after I finished watching Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi !!

Your Honor, I would now like to award the following bloggers who have caused chaos with their brilliance…not in any specific order of preference !!

  1. Purba
  2. CoffeeBeanMusings
  3. Shivani
  4. GyanBan
  5. UdtaHaathi
  6. Chotu’s World
  7. Dr.ROFL
  8. ZB
  9. Anirban
  10. Ramesh
  11.  Nish
  12. Raja
  13. Vinita
  14. Shilpa
  15. Judy

Congratulations !! You are now responsible for copying the image and using up all your free time to answer the 41 questions !!

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It just so happens, that I never worked in India…that is for a living. I was on a full scholarship from the Parents Foundation !!  Things were going really well… no complains !! And then I took the GRE,TOEFL,ECLAIRS…etc etc. Before I knew it,  I had graduated from a phoren University. And then I joined the American workforce !! And that is where, I met Brutus…. every day ….at every job that I held.!!

Brutus shall lead; and we will grace his heels
With the most boldest and best hearts of Rome.

If you are as old as I am and if you soaked up on Julius Caesar (part of syllabus) as I did…..you might just remember this.There is also a possibility that you are not as old….. rather older !!  Either ways, if you know what ” to read between the lines” means, ……you probably do not wear glasses …(huh) !!

If  you love Brutus as much as I do … you will know what I am talking about !!

Ironic : around the same time last year, I was talking about something similar !! Here is a link to that vent !!

For more on how to talk the talk … here is a  link to what Anirban said …. !!

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